Solutions to your relationship problems:
acts of violence inside the couple
© 2002-2015 - Ivan P. Greindl
Absolute prerequisite: in a couple, physical violence never is forgivable. (And you know what? 'Psychological' violences are severe violences too!)
Just as for alcoholism, it's truly difficult and very rare to go out of it. At the least second offense, the only viable outcome is the estrangement: everybody is entitled to happiness, quiet and peace.
The frequent violent reactions of your partner (obviously followed by protests of 'love') are hurting and disconcerting you? You are looking for information to stop this situation and restore your agreement?
Do you particularly regret these too frequent moments of aggressiveness inside your couple which entail insults, slaps or knocks thrown under anger's influence?
You'd like to make another "last" try, to give your partner a last chance? O.k., – but if you neglect some indispensable precautions, you are heading straight to failure:
• being in possession of a medical certificate giving evidence of undergone violence,
• you have to lodge a complaint to the nearest police station, to leave an administrative track;
• to consult a lawyer or any free legal assistance office is then really imperative.
Are you hesitating, dreading that a complaint at the police doubles their anger and the knocks? Then, it's already too late...
Ask your close relations for help, take your personal affairs (plus your possible children) and leave the place. It's perfectly useless to look for another possibility, you'll check afterwards that this is the only solution. Besides, it's particularly important for you to understand that there is no "shame" at all to have been a victim of violence!!
A hospital department of psychiatry can bring a help in 'deconditioning' the violent person; after such a treatment, a try can sometimes be reattempted.
These evidences being reminded, how to prevent such a situation?
If there is some tenderness - and reason - remaining between the two of you, you certainly understand that to solve this problem of violence in a couple requires efforts from each one:
1. to moderate their own emotional reactions to keep in touch thanks to "normal" communication between you – especially if your partner suffers from morbid jealousy. By remaining firm on your positions if you have nothing to blame you, better communication is the first means to reason with and to calm the violence in your couple.
2. keeping your calm at all costs, instead of giving in to the temptation to shout more hardly...
3. understanding that this couple problem's solution only lies in a daily dialogue: if you live together, it's because you were in love! You must thus be able to speak to each other every day in a relaxed way, as (even former) friends;
4. regularly valuing the other one's positive values, showing them consideration, decreases tensions;
5. ultimately, finding a material substitute on which your partner can 'vent' their anger, – for example a punch ball, a sandbag... That works.
6. going out of the room without delay when you feel the anger rising dangerously;
7. Naturally, facing an impression of injustice or "treason", we all can be "swept" by an internal hurricane, impossible to master at the beginning.
However, by learning to breathe slowly at these moments, we gradually feel possible to "loosen our grip"; to master our emotional reactions. Obviously to succeed, we need to keep an open heart. 'Normal' relations of that kind build themselves thanks to daily, friendly, positive communication and by the expression of each one's sincere feelings.
You also noticed that these aggressive episodes' first reason are various feelings of frustration on both sides. Other frequent origins can be:
• an excess of drinking;
• a morbid jealousy which takes pretext of any pointless motive to burst;
• in case of infidelity, a deep exasperation by everything said by the partner;
• lack of confidence in a little reliable partner;
• a depressive state in relation with professional or private concerns – or an important fatigue;
• feeling vexed by any harmless word or attitude, too often interpreted as "humiliating";
• a sense of guilt towards the other one;
• an unusual sensibility stressed by a lack of self-confidence;
• wounds of childhood having entailed inferiority complexes... Etc.
Preventing this problem of violence inside the couple can be made in other directions too:
• A useful 'trick' is to defuse the crisis by controlling yourself a few moments to stifle your resentment: then you question your partner, trying to put yourself in their place ("empathy"): you only ask them which are their expectations; what kind of frustration (s)he feels;
• without sacrificing your essential values, you then examine the real possibilities of answering to these expectations or some of them, - even gradually. That way, you're showing your goodwill, your desire to resolve this crisis in your couple – which can have very serious effects particularly on your children.
• if the violence always begins on the same side, avoid criticisms: it's always preferable to simply express what you feel facing these regular crises between the two of you;
• it obviously is important to explain to your partner how much you suffer from this verbal violence in your couple and the painful tensions they generate;
• ... and also to express in turn your first expectation: to stop violence, to receive more tenderness, human heat, consideration.
• between two persons who love each other (or did), calmly asking for what we wish instead of raising tone is much more effective: everyone can understand that and moderate one's anger; a touch of shared goodwill generally is enough.
In the here introduced eBook program,
"100 Sure Ways To Help Your Couple",
you'll discover a wide choice of ideas, suggestions and concrete techniques as well as practical and effective recommendations to revitalize your life as a couple.
The painful problem of aggressiveness obviously is approached here because, with the help and love of the partner, this plague can be cured – instead of letting it inevitably kill your love and destroy your relationship.
Besides practical suggestions to fight and overcome aggressiveness by better communication, "100 Sure Ways To Help Your Couple" will reveal you any solution you could need for improving all other aspects of your relationship, particularly your intimacy.
Regaining the passion, harmony and romance of your first dates is within your reach too.
My blog and the 'FAQ' at the end of the e-book also approach this subject – which can be resolved as long as any physical violence isn't involved.
Read more information HERE: it deserves a try.
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